How wanting to die can help you live.

If you’re currently reading this I’m sending you the biggest hug. I want you to feel less alone and give you a reason to stay around on this bizarre planet with me. I’ve been there, 4 hours deep into Reddit trying to find someone who was feeling the same things as me. That’s why I want to share my experience and tips I’ve learnt along the way, in case there’s someone out there, even one person that I help feel less alone.

I’ll start by telling you a little about my experience with suicide, so you can trust that I understand your pain. I’m raw-dogging it over here in my t-total life, feeling all the discomfort. I hear you, and it’s going to be okay.

Trigger Warning. Feel free to skip to the end for my reasons why you should absolutely stay alive with the rest of us who are like you and me xx

My Experience

When I was 9 I remember lying in bed with the suffocating feeling of something being deeply wrong. I’d always felt a sense of existential dread, an unease in myself and debilitating emotions I had no idea how to handle.

From 9 – 13 that unease turned into self-hate, physical self-harm and eventually suicidal thoughts. I vividly remember hearing distant laughter drift in from the garden. My family were having a BBQ and called up to me. I couldn’t respond, I felt dissociated, staring in the mirror at my body. It felt alien, uncomfortable and tight. I knew something was very wrong but my family and society put it down to hormones.

These constant thoughts of existentialism and suicide bounced back and forth within me on a loop throughout my early teen years, making me a hot-ball of emotion and intensely introspective. Appropriately, I labelled myself emo (I had the side fringe and black-chipped nail polish to fit the part).

I found it impossible to separate what was childhood trauma, mental health issues, personality, hormones and ‘normal’ teenage angst. There were so many troubling voices in my head that I survived by cutting off my feelings. There were no educational Netflix shows about self harm, suicidal thoughts or sexuality when I was at school. No one knew what an Autism and ADHD looked like and so I truly believed I was better off not being here. I believe I was too sensitive and that everyone would be better off without me. So I buried it all even deeper down. I learnt quickly I needed to be someone else to be liked and ‘normal’. I became a pro at masking, I learnt prettiness was currency and being ‘cool’ kept me safe.

When I first discovered drugs and alcohol I felt that ticking time-bomb of turmoil inside me disappear. The euphoria of oneness made me feel home. In those moments I transcended the discomfort of existence. I was wise enough to see how drugs impacted the lives of loved ones around me and to put it plainly, I knew I’d kill myself with drugs, so I only took them when partying and became addicted to other things like, love, sex, smoking, weed, suffering. Eating disorders helped me have some small control but caused havoc on my body, especially bulimia. It bores me to say that as a woman this meant I was repeatedly told how great I looked. In fact, I think that was the most I’ve ever been complimented on my appearance. When I was closest to killing myself.

My suicidal experiences tend to go the same way. Nightly long calls to the samaritans (amazing people), sobbing that I wanted to kill myself. It’d get pretty ugly including A&E hospital visits, accidental overdosing, physical self-harm and other dark moments which I will spare you the details of. 21 was the last time I was in a relationship and the last time I took class A drugs.

Without my coping mechanisms I felt insane and very desperate. I would cry, begging to my mum to make the ‘voices’ in my head stop and I had to sleep in her bed for 2 months, falling asleep by 7pm most nights. This is when I had no choice but to go back on antidepressants which made everything numb again. I knew I hated them as soon as I went on them, but the ‘voices’ stopped.

I knew then I had to do something drastic or I wouldn’t see out the year. So I read every self-help I could get my hands on, saw 5 different therapists over the course of 4 years, changed career paths to do what I love and became the healthiest human you’ve ever meet. I was determined to get rid of the unease I felt within me. Antidepressants gave me the buffer to see a little clearer, so I am grateful they exist or who knows if I’d be here. Also therapy changed my life. It’s not an overnight cure but it’s a non-negotiable for me now. Just like I need to go to the gym, I need to go to therapy.

I addressed my big T traumas head-on from my childhood, I don’t eat sugar, I exercise frequently, I am a good and moral person, I journal daily and say my affirmations with EFT tapping, take my meds, I meditate, take my supplements, drink god damn celery juice, I rise early and sleep early. I accepted my queerness, got diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, and I’m learning to work through Complex-PTSD.

I managed to come off of my anti depressants which initially sent me into depressive episodes as it would allow all the emotions to come flooding back which I could’t deal with, this led to me being very suicidal and feeling like what was the point, I was clearly broken to the core. My healing coach (Carina Talla) at the time taught me how to deal with my emotions, she explained that as I began to feel safer from past traumas, my body was bringing up big emotions to deal with that were stuck in my body. She taught me how to feel them and how to release them! This still is something I struggle with as the more I relax; tidal waves of sadness, anger and even joy can feel suffocating; but I feel so much is being released daily.

I’m sure you understand my feelings of confusion when slowly, the feelings of unease and suicidal thoughts returned.. despite all the healing and intentional work I was doing..

I was perplexed. How could I do everything so ‘right’ and still feel so suicidal? I began to understand that perhaps suicidal thoughts were not something that needed to be cleansed from me but listened to. Tapped into and greeted like an old friend. “It’s been a while this time, what’s going on, why are you here to visit me? Could I even say… a gift? I know it’s time to stop immediately and turn inwards like a big red stop sign in my path.

I now express to my friends and family very plainly when I feel suicidal, I’m able to come from a curious standpoint, asking “why?” instead of “why me?” It’s lost its emotional charge. It must seem weird to them. But to me, it’s the truth and it feels normal. I’m too tired to pretend, to be anything other than unmasked and honest. Letting them know I’m thinking about ending my life takes away the power of any shame I would feel.

I always understand why I am suicidal afree the episode. always. Read that again!

I recently came out of my latest suicidal phase and I am now in treatment for ADHD and learning about my Autism… I had no idea!! Of course I was suicidal, I was completely on the wrong path. I was living the neurotypical life, constantly in Autistic burnout. Surrounding myself with the wrong people. I started my journey as a straight, people-pleasing, validation seeking, politics-studying human and have evolved into a unmasked, queer, dopamine-dressing, animating artist! We must die repeatedly to become who we are intended to be. 3 weeks of rewatching old cartoons, tears, journaling, processing and isolation are my crystallise. But this doesn’t make it any easier when all you see is black and all you hear is the siren call of calm and quiet you hope suicide will bring.

But listen, the more you go through it the more you will realise, the answers will come to you just hold on x

Here’s the thing…

I understand, it’s so intense and suicide feels like it’s the only relief. I promise it’s not.

I will give you a tip you can start right now, I would suggest reading poetry and philosophy. When you can’t find anyone to talk to, read! Humans have felt these overwhelming emotions and struggles forever and philosophers, poets and artists feel the depth of the world’s suffering the most. It always makes me feel so much less alone, like their spirits are with me saying, “girl, I get it. Enjoy the show.”

And that’s what it is, Life is one big show. It’s one big story and we are watching how it plays out in our lifetime. The story will end, and you will get to go home, so why not stick around and see how the story ends? It’s the most spectacular show ever made. Suicidal thoughts are like that moment in a scary movie where you’re thinking, “oh shit, let’s leave this is too scary!” Except we are fully immersed in this film, so our only escape is death.

The good news is, death will come one day for us all, it is non-negotiable, eternal and definite. The tickets to this show of life are extremely rare so why not do what I do when I go to a horror film… laugh! l laugh daily at the absurdity of it all, today I spent 30 minutes trying to decide what to have for breakfast staring into space because the correct spoon was not clean and so I couldn’t eat my usual smoothie. Hilarious! What an odd and wonderful human. Who knows, tomorrow may turn into romantic comedy. Life is one big contradiction, you are allowed to be sad and laugh and there are no rules here. Laughing does not negate away from your pain. Scary films are also a lot funnier when you watch them with other people. Let people in, they’re probably watching the same film on their own waiting for you too!

Realising that we’re just here for the show will allow you to understand that there is 0 pressure to achieve anything or to be anyone in particular. If you’re having suicidal thoughts then each day you choose to stay is a bonus day, with the sole purpose of experiencing the things you love.

The suicidal thoughts will pass and probably return and that’s okay. You are a human! Of course, you’d have these thoughts, being alive is tough. Don’t do it alone, there are more of us than you think. Build a relationship with those dark feelings. Accept and embrace them. They need more love than any other part of you.

Having recently learnt that I have Autism and ADHD has blown my mind. It explains why I am so emotionally and physically sensitive (maybe consider this for yourself). Having this knowledge has helped me navigate this world a lot easier, wearing noise-cancelling headphones, finding my community, regulating more effectively, eating the right foods (ADHD), balancing my hormones, supplementing, receiving treatment, cutting out people who do not make me feel safe or seen and creating a safer environment for myself etc. I would not have figured this out about myself so quickly if I had not have reached rock bottom. I was so suicidal that when I was told the soonest diagnosis would be in 6 months, I called everyone I could and managed to get to a psychiatrist the next week. I could have suffered for years if I stayed in that ‘tolerable” bracket of suffering. Being critically suicidal allowed me to really listen to what I needed to do to survive and ultimately thrive. As I regulate my nervous system I now can appreciate what a gift we have as neurodivergent humans, to feel things this deeply and to be THIS human. To feel IS to be human and therefore you are not broken at all, in fact, you are experiencing, level-100 human existence! The biggest part of understanding my neurodivergence has been knowing I’m not broken and not alone. That helps me in the darkest of times.

If you often find yourself in the dark, you’re probably an alchemist too, You can turn suffering into beauty, art, growth, and inspiration. You can go to the darkest possible places in human experience and come back with deeper love, compassion and understanding of life. People need you to create to help them feel less alone. Those such as modern-day Tim Burton or Gus Fink make us all feel less alone in our shadow side, our darkness and our depth. Take a look at Van Gogh’s Starry Night Sky as he shares the depth of pain in his psychosis.

If you can’t see past the thick fog and darkness right now, I’m holding your hand with you. Feel it all, breathe, feel all the pain. Laugh a little, no-one can see you. Laugh at the absurdity of the suffering you are feeling, of being human. SCREAM! Scream into a pillow, throw your body about your room in and release all that energy trapped in your body that makes the human skin feel so awkwardly tight. Cry, the ugly kind! Let the snot pour out your nose and validate your feelings. Howl, as deeply as you can and you’ll feel the sadness transmute. They are real, huge, intense and beautifully human.

Your suicidal phases are like an actual death. You’re shedding the old version of you that no longer serves you. Feel all that grieving, that suffering and then release it when you’re ready. No one is judging you for needing to take that time to grieve your old self. And if they are, you can say SEEYA. There’s loads of us out here who completely get it.

Remember, so many of us are experiencing this unfathomable emotional pain at the same time. When I feel the tidal waves of despair begin to rise and it feels like the emotions may suffocate me, I like to close my eyes and imagine all of us who are struggling on the same frequency, feeling through it together (think the cerebro from the X-Men). As time is a construct and it’s all one big moment I even imagine the artists and philosophers throughout history who felt this pain too and it makes me want to feel through it all for those who were unable to. So I can help the next generation who will feel just as alone with these feelings as we did.

There’s so many more reasons I could give you to stay alive with me. But I don’t want to give you any cliches, I know you’re smart enough to have already thought of them. Just stay for a while, and laugh at life’s weirdness – even if for weeks all you can do is watch your comfort show and eat your comfort foods. That sounds great. I’m probably doing the same thing. And isn’t that weird in itself? Watching shows about shows in a show. And now I’m laughing.